Blown Fuse

*grumbles incoherantly*

So, 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning and I'm at the office...and not the warm, comfortable office in my living room, either.

I'm here administering an airport screener exam...because that's how we keep our overhead down - we pimp our computers out to other agencies.

Am I a team player or what? I could be at home in bed with the cat dancing "feed me" jigs on my chest.

Yuck!

I'm out of my usual teabags, so I rooted around in the cabinets at work this morning and used what was on hand. There were some "Chinese" teabags that someone had gotten with Pei Wei takeout.

This tea tastes like porkchops. And I'm gonna drink it anyway. I poured it out. Couldn't take the smell. I might have to suck it up and go to the grocery store after I'm assured that my primo parking space is secured.

*clutches heart*

Isn't that cute? A caravan of free advertising is forming in our front yard. My husband never does anything half-assed, so when we got the roof fixed, he decided that at the same time the siding needed to be repaired as well as the (insert technical term here) thingamabobs that the gutters get nailed on.

Well, the roof has been up for a couple of weeks now and the carpenter made his first trip out today. Looks like we'll be living in an igloo tonight seeing as how we have big-ass holes in our house.

It's a good thing our neighborhood gets verrrrrry dark at night, or else I'd be quite paranoid that some ruffian would try to break in through the garage.

I'm real observative.

Last Tuesday when I was watching American Idol, I couldn't help but to think, "Damn, I've seen those chicks somewhere before!" when I saw the O'Donohue twins enter the audition room.

I racked my poor addled brain to try to remember why they seemed so familiar, and then it struck me that they have been in at least half of the knitting magazines I've owned over the past year.

I guess I could have scanned that picture at higher resolution....but I didn't feel like it.

Props to KintCare by Fairfield...although I guess this sort of counts as free advertising.

Squeeee!

My cats are so damn cute - cuter than all other cats, in fact. They're so cute that I carry around their pictures in my digital camera to show to various coworkers who all go "Squeeeee! That's adorable!" and tickle the air with their fingers as if there was a cat there to tickle.

Five minutes ago, Bodie came into the room whining with a cat toy stuffed in her mouth - that's how she tells me she wants to play.

I obliged her by tossing the toy down the hall into Scott's office. She was off like a rocket. After several tosses from both directions, the toy lands in the general vicinity of the guest bedroom door, behind which is where Puffy Savage is being kept on lockdown until she learns to chill. Like a flash, a little grey paw shot out under the door and swatted the toy down the hall. Scared the shit out of me, but damned if it wasn't cute! Bodie doesn't want to play anymore.

Watered-down

Some cheap-ass has been pouring water into the hand soap bottle in the women's bathroom every time the level gets low.

There are two unopened bottles in the little cupboard in plain sight.

I can't believe that people are that cheap with stuff the company pays for! I can understand if we took turns buying it, but sheeze...

Just drowning in it.

Okay, so...about that water cooler bottle problem? It happened again. Being at the end of my rope this morning, I crafted and distributed the following email to the entire office:

Subject: FLIP THE BOTTLE!

Nothing annoys me more at 7 am than to come into the office and find that there’s not enough water in the cooler for eight ounces of hot tea. This I learn, of course, after placing cup with bag in it beneath the little red spigot and having only enough water come out for the teabag to wade in. This has happened FOUR times in the past 10 days or so. When you fill your cup and hear that hissing, empty noise – that means flip it.

I’m especially confused by this; anyone taller than me can see through the bottle bottom that there’s no water in it. Please do the polite thing and replace the bottle before returning to your seat.

t.p.

We'll see how this goes over.UPDATED TO ADD: Here are the responses from the email.

1) "Bwahahahahahaha!!!"
2) "When I saw the subject line I thought you were emailing me a game!"
3) "Next time, call me at home and I'll come flip it for you." (Yeah, right.)
4) "While on that note, please let Tiffany know when you've used the last of a form so that she can print some more."

Sugar Shock

All this sugar came with a (very) small coffee accompanying a McDonald's breakfast. I watched as the McDonald's Team Member hurriedly swept them into the teeny tiny sausage biscuit bag. I kept my mouth shut. The extras will surely find their way into my snack drawer for an emergency.

Creepy

I'm only 5'2", so I really really shouldn't talk, but isn't it kind of weird when you look out your rear-view-mirror into the cab of the giant SUV tailing you and you can't see a head over the steering wheel? There was some very small person assing me in an Escalade during my commute from work. Seriously, when I got to the light, I stared for a good full minute into the car, and all I could see was hands on the steering wheel and a little pouf of hair.

How is that safe?

The Pop Tart Spawns Again

You've got to be fucking kidding me. Britney Spears is reportedly pregnant again, four months after giving birth KFed offspring #1.

I don't know why the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. Shit, at least Madonna waited until Lourdes could walk before she gave birth to that little blonde thing.

Damn, my back hurts.

Yesterday the office drove down to Charlotte for the corporate North Atlantic regional conference. Because half of the people in my office had gone out the night before and got shitfaced, the ride down was pretty quiet. I learned that one of my coworkers continuously farts in his sleep.

I got to meet with a lot of people who have made a lot of money. I even met the company president. I heard through the grapevine that he's a consumate womanizer.

It was an interesting, and almost enjoyable experience. It would have been sort of fun to have went up on Thursday for the first day events and checked out this morning after the conference closed. At least we would have gotten to use the indoor pool.

A Little Levity

(I'm at home "sick" today. Likely I'll be able to screw up enough hostility to go into work tomorrow and not give a shit about anything or anyone for that matter.)

A coworker got this careerbuilder applicant in her email last night...it's likely a hoax, but if he's real - what a nutjob!

You have received an application to your job posted on CareerBuilder.com. You can respond to this candidate by replying to this email. Your Reference ID for this job is 0000400.

Job Information

Job Title: Process Improvement Leader
Location: US-NC-Gastonia
Job Details: Click Here

Contact Information

Name: tariq last name withheld to protect the stoopid
Email: ptariq95@domain withheld to protect the stoopid

Cover Letter

No cover letter submitted.

Resume

CareerBuilder was able to convert the text present in the body of the email

Dear Sir (Tiffany says: I do believe that "Kate" is obviously a woman's name, right? Okay. Proceed.)

Im chemical engineer, i passed my degree 2002, till now im jobless, why
- b/c i got accedent in my leg, i was hospitalized and got 10
operations in my leg, l was sick till 2 years, now im searching job,
every company refuse me, they ask me why did u not do a job, why u
late have u experience - but i tell them no sir ?, i have proof in my
leg, i tell then sir i can do a job without pay for gaining exp but
they dont give me, im very trouble, my mother weap a lot for me, my
father dead in 1996, im 32 years old, i have right for marry or not
am i not human being tell me plz - im typing but also im weaping
now, but u dont believe at me, what is condition at me, i can tell u
one thing im very work harder but my luck is very bad, i know if i
will sucide then GOD will send me in hell, i fear hell a lot, i think
some time for my mother, otherwise ???, plz sir give me job im
chemical engineer, im very work harder u can try me, if not u can
beat me u can kill me, oof
course, plz sir give me job, plz think sir plz, im very upset now a day, i want
to be some its my right, i can do a job without pay sir just i have to gain
exp, some time my mother tell to my sisters that Tariq shouldn't have to come
in the world, why why sir my mother tell to my sisters tell me sir - ha ve u
answer

Thanks

Tariq

Boy, oh, boy.