Blown Fuse

Scratchie scratchie.

So, the Tar Heel state finally gets a lottery. This makes us the 42nd state in the country with state-sponsored gambling. Governor Mike Easley has been trying to push an education lottery into law since he took office a bazillion years ago, however because we still have one foot in the bible belt the idea was pooh-poohed.

There have been all kinds of arguments against it; my personal favorite is that lottery tickets are a tax against poor people who can't help themselves from gambling because they're uneducated and don't know how to handle money.

Personally, I don't care one way or the other. I don't plan on sinking any money into scratch-off tickets in the near future. I do hope that the lottery doesn't get eaten up in administrative costs so badly that the educational institutions that are supposed to be benefitted by it never see a cent.

Although I work with recruiters and am familiar with their various tactics at trying to get their positions filled, I am rarely put into a situation where I get solicited by recruiters myself. Let's face it - I have an English degree. People aren't exactly banging down my door like they do for scientist-types.

Yesterday on my drive home from work I got a cell phone call from a local number I didn't recognize. The person who left the message identified themselves as a recruiter from another local staffing agency who was trying to fill a "Reporter" position. She went on to talk about how they were looking for an English major with good writing skills and blah blah - everything someone like me wants to hear.

This morning I was sorting through the stuff in my Earthlink "suspect mail" folder and the recruiter had followed up with an email detailing the "Reporter" position. I've pasted it into the extended entry.

Duties:

The court reporter will report to a job assignment, usually in a law office, set up her equipment, and check it out to ensure it's operating properly.

When the parties are assembled, the court reporter will place the witness under oath, and using a technique taught by us, record the examination of the witness (called a deposition) verbatim, identifying each speaker, keeping adequate notes, marking exhibits

Education requirements:

English degree from accredited 4-year college.

Other requirements:

1. Must be excellent spelling and punctuation skills.
2. Must be an excellent typist and proficient in WordPerfect and Word.
3. Must enjoy working with people.
4. Must be a "self-starter" and able to work independently.
5. Must be very detail-oriented.
6. Must have a large vocabulary.
7. Must be able to interact professionally with other professionals; namely, lawyers and paralegals.
8. Must be unflappable under pressure.
9. Must enjoy the legal environment.
10. Must be a North Carolina Notary Public.

Ideal work background: Former teacher or other professional with a use of grammar and organization.

Physical requirements:

Must be able to carry 10 - 15 pounds of equipment up at least one flight of stairs, and to lift such equipment in and out of the car.

Must be able to tolerate a Stenomask

Must be able to drive distances of up to 3 hours one-way without difficulty.

First of all, I'm not a notary. Second of all, I don't even know what the hell a Stenomask is. Third of all, when do I start?

I'm joking. The last thing I need is to be knocked up and carrying around heavy equipment in a job requiring that much travel. I do wonder how much it pays, though.

I do get the sneaking suspicion that this chick is just calling every English degree recipient that she can find on the internet, so I don't feel particuarly special.

140 Calories. 0 g Protein.

Breakfast of pregnant champions. At this point in the game, hot beverages for breakfast make my stomach churn.

Back to my disco ringtone...

For the past week or so I've been missing incoming calls to my cell phone. Generally speaking, I tend not to answer my cell phone to begin with, however I thought it was strange that I could be in a location with three or four reception bars and I still didn't hear it ring.

I discovered three seconds ago that my downloaded ringtone is the culprit. When I downloaded it a few months ago I recall there being a three-month timeframe of which you could use it and then your download period would be up.

I thought they were joking about that.

Strike a pose, Brit-Brit.

I don't know why this makes my eyeball twitch so, but under no circumstances do I find statue Britney in this pose tasteful.

Actually, I'm kind of suspicious that the sculptor has a slight obsession with Britney's bits and sculpting her pregnant was the only way he could showcase her with no clothes.

*shudders*

Another financial fiasco.

I'm pissed. I heard on the radio last week that debit card users who had shopped at a certain merchant recently may have had their information compromised (a.k.a. stolen) and that many banks would be issuing new cards. My coworker and I laughed at how funny it is that they NEVER reveal who the merchant is when this happens. After all, if they're going to get you all paranoid by telling you about what happened at this certain store, the least they can do is let you off the hook by telling you WHERE so you can know whether you need to be vigilant in monitoring your account statements...and stop shopping whereever it was.

Scott got his new card yesterday. I got mine today.

I didn't have any real attachment to my old card and number, but all the same I'm shocked at how easy it is for a helluva lot of people's personal information to be sucked out of some central database.

Crop Walk

On Sunday I raced down here from Maryland and made it just in time for play with the Durham Community Concert Band at the Durham Crop Walk. I literally raced into the house to change clothes, printed off some directions, and was out on the road again in ten minutes.

I was going to use the fact that I was running so damn late to excuse myself from the event. After all, our "stage" was the front lawn of the Duke Chapel. When I learned that would be where the venue was set up, my skin began to crawl. After all - I'm a UNC alum. I'd only been to Duke's campus once and that was for some lame-ass fraternity party during my freshman year of college.

Anyway, because I share music and a stand with someone, I knew I had to swallow my pride and hoof it down there. Because my driving instructions were quite crap, I spent 20 minutes driving around Duke (which is 3 miles from my house). By the time I found the parking deck we were assigned to I discovered that about half the band was trickling out of it at the same time as me. So, I wasn't the only late one.

The most awkward part of the performance was when the conductor allowed some girl from the audience sit in the empty chair next to me to look on at our music. Normally, I would have been cool with that, but I know for a fact that my personal performance sucked eggs. 80% of the music we played was new to me. Nearsightedness and sight-reading don't go well together.

Anyway. I'm glad I went. You can't really feel good about the compliments a group gets if you don't show up.

We have our big spring concert coming up on Sunday...I'll see if I can get some video clips of me pretending to be a flute genius.

TCSA.

You know, sometimes, if you blink, you miss certain blogs coming back from hiatus.

A Picture Share!

A Picture Share!,
originally uploaded by blownfuse.

Flavor Flaaaav

I have to confess that I spent more time than I should have watching Flavor of Love on VH1 last night. I should have been doing laundry or someting productive like that, but noooooooooooo, here I am fixated on a bunch of trashy people (I think "ladies" would be an exaggeration) fighting over a minature Jimmie "JJ" Walker who isn't even creative enough to have a rap name that isn't self-redundant. Flavor. Flav. Flavor Flav. Yeah.

As amusing (read: loud and obnoxious) as Flavor Flav is, I just couldn't help but to find myself gagging at how not-really-that-attractive he is. Yeah, yeah - beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that tripe, but there is nothing, even remotely, sexy about a man who has the nickname "Foofie Foofie." Especially not one who would happily put his mouth on strange flesh while blindfolded. The very thought of him being anywhere near me makes my shoulderblades twitch.

So, yeah, I'm sort of pissed that Hoopz "won" because she's cute and too damned young for him, but at the same time I couldn't help but hope that New York with all of her insane-in-the-mebraneness went down in flames. She was hysterical in the limo on the way out, though. She and Flav would probably be good together.

How I Read a Résumé

Because I've had the misfortune great priviledge of sorting through and disqualifying at least 100 résumés over the past few weeks while looking for a new assistant, I'd like to share with you all a compilation of a few of my pet peeves. Feel free to copy and paste this in entirety to email to your job-seeking friends and/or foes. While this may piss a lot of you off, I have to be perfectly upfront by saying that a résumé is nothing but a document that has information that gives hiring authorities reasons to NOT pursue you for a position. I'll explain why.

1) Putting your photo on your résumé:
Do you know how much frickin' information a person can get out of a photograph? As it is in most situations I can determine your sex (or at least your gender) just from how you spell your name. (If a person named "Bobbie" is looking for a construction job, I'd be hard-pressed to find a single male hiring authority that would take her, and it is a her, seriously for a job requiring heavy lifting).

That out of the way, I don't care how fucking cute you think you are. Chances are that if you're applying for a clerical job your direct supervisor is probably female. Sorry, that's just the way it is. You being cute and blonde is not going to sway me one way or the other. In fact, I'd be insulted at your blatant idiocy.

Lastly, under no circumstances should you INCLUDE A PICTURE OF YOUR ENTIRE NUCLEAR FAMILY with your CV. So, you're married and have a buncha kids? Um, are you going to be at work on time with all them kids to dress and feed?

Those (marital status, # of children, etc.) are questions that interviewers are NOT ALLOWED TO ASK YOU. Why would you put that information out there?

2) Vague objective lines:

I loooooooove it when people include a well-written objective line that actually makes me feel like they know what the hell they applied for. Objective lines that read "To obtain employment" or "To support my family by finding full-time employment" are absolute turn-offs.

You MUST change your objective for each different type of position you apply for and it has to be SPECIFIC. For example, If you're looking for a position in HR and are trying to get in on the ground floor, it makes more sense to say "To progress to a Human Resources Generalist role by contributing my skills and education as a Human Resources Administrator" than "Human Resources." Pretend that we're dumb and have no idea why you sent your information to us.

While that's on my mind, if you ever apply for a position through a website such as Careerbuilder, you MUST make sure that the person on the receiving end can tell that you really knew what you were applying for especially if your skillset isn't a perfect match for what is required.

3) Cover letters can benefit you!:
And I'm not just talking about the generic version that you copy and paste EVERYDAMNWHERE.

A cover letter should tell me why you would be good for an advertised position. It should contain information that I can't surmise from your résumé. For example, if you've been a teacher for 12 years and decide that you want to have a sudden career change, you need to explain why - especially if you're applying for a less-skilled position. You don't have to put people all into your business and say "I want to stay home with my cats and kids," but you can say that "At this time I am seeking a position with more flexible hours that will allow me to work some from home."

Again, make us feel like you know what you're applying for. It pisses me off when I call someone to phone screen them for a position and they don't even know what the specs of the job are, or else think they can get around them. If the pay is $30,000, don't send me a cover letter saying that at your last position you earned $55,000. Next!

4) Don't oversell yourself:
Here's the deal - if I need a new assistant, my boss will begrudgingly let me go out and get one. If he's going to dip into the company coffers to pay for someone to help me get my productivity up, I'd better get them for as cheaply as possible. I, therefore, look for people at the very bottom at what the pay range for the position is. I don't want my assistant to get paid anything near what I get paid. That's putting it simply.

So, if it comes down to two résumés where one is a person with less than one year of exerience in an office and the more experienced person who I assume wants to be paid more, I'd hire the cheaper one and spend some time training them.

No, I don't know what the second person's salary expectations are or what their current personal situaiton is. I just know that it would be less financial strain for the company to get the person with the longer learning curve.

How do you prevent yourself from sounding overqualified for a position? Well, for starters you can take out any information about your previous positions that do not specically mirror responsibilities you will have in your new job. So, if you were an office manager in your last job, to get a job as a payroll administrator you'd need to clarify everything you did as an office manager that related to payroll and downplay everything else. The fact that you wore a bunch of different hats isn't going to help you when you're trying to go into a specialized role.

Figure out what the responsibilities of the job you're applying for are and use your résumé to explain how you've already been successful doing it.

Two tears in a bucket.

I know I've been pretty boring over the past week or so. Actually, I've been pretty non-existent. I've just been boring, is all.

I go to work. I go home. I do work at home. I get in the bed at around 8:30 and watch television until my eyes close. I haven't cooked a nutritious meal in about two weeks because I've been so drained from my so-called job. I've even been neglecting my poor kitties who are just crying to scratch and maul me.

I would probably be a lot less boring if I showed that I had some sort of social life, eh?This picture is from this past Saturday - I'm the one on the right. The one with the even bigger hair on the left is my would-be road dawg/best friend since Kindergarten/cousin Sheena. Yes, you can assume from my glazed-over expression that I was chock full o' cheap beer.

Our first meeting was on the first day in Ms. Ziemba's class. She got her name written on the board with three check marks. Either she was a bad-ass or Ms. Ziemba had a low tolerance for normal child-like behavior. I suspect a little bit of both was the case.

I'm not going to lie - my name was on the board at least once per month for some stupid shit. Like, some kid would look at my coloring page and copy my color choice and I'd be the one to get in trouble. That's some bullshit, right?

Anyway. I drove to my grandma's on Saturday for my semi-quarterly guilted-into visit. They got their hugs and nags in ("When are you going to have a baby? You'd better not wait until you're too old.") and I drove an hour south and got to catch up on gossip and such with Sheena and Crew (tm) a little later on.

Interestingly enough, we went to this downtown restaurant where who to my surprise was sitting at the bar with her momma? Why, my mortal childhoold enemy! They saw us and slinked at the soonest opportune moment.

More on that slob later.

Aw, hell.

I made some grumblings last week about the parade of signs in front of our house. I didn't mind the roofer's sign being there because they did their job FAST, but the carpenter, feh.

Well, when I came home today the carpenter's sign was gone. The damned sign had been there for 10 days and the only work that had been done was to strip our house of some rotten boards (making the house quite ugly) and leaving some tarp-covered tools in the front yard.

Every afternoon since the guy put his sign down I'd call Scott when I got home: "The carpenter hasn't been here. There's still a hole in the garage."

Last week, the carpenter had some kind of chest cold. That's fine. Come Friday it was a beautiful 70 degrees - no carpenter. He showed up for a few hours on Tuesday to bring more crap to leave on the front stoop. Yesterday and today have been the warmest days of the year and no carpenter.

When I came home today and saw his sign gone I thought, "He's done!" But, no, the sign is just gone. His shit is still in the front yard and his ladders are tied to our deck.

What I don't understand is if you take someone's deposit to do a job, especially a small residential job the size of ours, you should do it in a relatively timely manner, right? With all the right supplies he should have been done in less than three days. If you can't get the supplies for whatever reason, you do NOT strip a hole in the homeowners' house and leave it that way.

He probably pulled up his sign so that nobody would know who the slow fuck was working on our house.

I just want there not to be a hole in my garage wall is all.

Mom, check. Auntie, check. Grandma...uh..uhhhh!

This time last year I posted in detail about how Hallmark stores are my kryptonite - I refuse to go in to buy just one card for that very reason.

Everyone I care enough to send a birthday card to have their birthdays within the three month span between March and May. My mother kicks off the birthday seasn on Monday, and I made my quarterly trip to Hallmark today to get enough cards to keep me out of paper stores and department store card aisles until June.

The good news is that I've become very efficient at finding a card for each person quickly - that's pretty hard when you have to consider that you may end up buying the same card you bought them three years ago because Hallmark always keeps the same shit. You also have to balance the "Hmm, I bet so-and-so will buy her this card, so I won't buy that one." The bad news is that I still get teary-eyed at Grandma cards. Very teary. I had to fan my hands in front of my eyes to not look like a fool in front of the Hallmark Grandmas that run the cash registers.

I'm doing better now.